“The World Spins” by Douglas Menagh
“Shadow” by Chromatics began to play in Twin Peaks: The Return when my sister Nancy walked into the living room of my mom’s apartment where I was watching the premiere. I heard the crunch of wooden floorboards announcing her arrival. I knew it was my sister because everyone’s walk sounds different, and her footsteps were strong and fast. When she arrived, I looked at her without taking my eyes off the show. It was like we were experiencing a televised concert in the living room rather than an episode of a television show.
The dreamy ambiance, electro-synths, and ethereal vocals of “Shadow” created a lush feeling of warmth. The combination of those synth pop sounds with the magenta-colored lighting wrapped me in a multi-sensory blanket of comfort. Music brought people together.
I didn’t realize how true that was until Nancy said, “Daisy’s watching it with you.”
I looked over to where I expected Daisy to be under the circumstances, on her cushioned bed to my left, between the coffee table and television. There she lay, a black, mini schnauzer without the typical schnauzer haircut. Resting on her super fluffy paws, she curled herself into a little, furry kidney bean. Bathed in purple light from the scene unfolding in the show, her kindly brown eyes intently watched Twin Peaks: The Return. Meanwhile, her floppy ears, flicking occasionally to the music, gave the effect of a 60s-bob haircut.
I was happy to see D was part of this moment watching the show with me. I was glad my sister brought this to my attention because I felt a sense of presence. It was hard not to feel under a trance. Music has a way of grounding listeners into the present moment, as if history conspires to lead us to the here and now.
I had chosen my family home to watch Twin Peaks: The Return instead of my own apartment because I didn’t have the cable network that released it. What hadn’t occurred to me until then was that I had returned to the place where I’d watched the original series by David Lynch. It was during the original series that it dawned on me that I was watching a show about grief as I was going through grief myself.
At that time, I was living at home when I lost my father and first dog Cody, a black miniature schnauzer. These losses occurred about a year apart from one another. These twin traumas reinforced one another. For the longest while, I had felt so bogged down with the awful feeling of loss that allowing myself to experience pain was difficult. It was during the episode when it is revealed who killed Laura Palmer, a central character whose murder serves as the inciting incident for the show, that I finally began to feel a change happen with what consumed me.
It was during a musical moment when everyone in town is at The Roadhouse watching Julee Cruise perform her song “The World Spins.” With heavenly vocals and melancholic synths, Cruise sings, “Love/ Don't go away/ Come back this way/ Come back and stay/ Forever and ever/ Please stay.” For the first time since going through major losses, I began to understand how individualized pain feels for those who experience it.
Music had given me a way to truly experience, feel, and process my grief. It helped me to release what I had bottled up inside me and was too afraid to feel all at once. Music allows us to experience the depths of our grief, whether it’s the breakup of a relationship or loss of a loved one. In doing so, it gives us a way to transform that pain, without negating it, into joy that feels liberating.
Daisy came into our lives in 2016. It was the summer of 2017 when Twin Peaks: The Return premiered. Even though Daisy lives with my mom, it feels like Daisy is a special girl to all of us in the family. I still consider her “my” pet even though she doesn’t live with me full time. If anything, it feels like we have a very modern and trend-setting kind of relationship.
One weekend years later, my mom dropped Daisy over at my place on the Upper East Side. That Saturday morning, after we had returned from our morning walk, we were hanging out in my living room. It felt like the perfect time to spin a record and listen to music. I sat down on the carpeted floor in front of my turntable and record collection, which was stored in a credenza. Just like humans have a specific taste in music, Daisy has specific tastes too. I put on Floating Into The Night by Julee Cruise, produced by David Lynch and composer Angelo Badalamenti. I wanted to put on an album that was easy on the ears, dreamy, and luscious. I wasn’t necessarily thinking about the Twin Peaks connection when I played that record. Knowing Daisy’s taste in music, I just assumed she would like that album’s pop ambiance.
Soon after sound emerged from the twin speakers on the built-in shelf on my left and bookcase on my right, Daisy walked over towards me and started to lick my hand. I scratched her neck and ears with my other hand.
“Daisy,” I said. “Do you remember when we watched Twin Peaks: The Return?”
She answered with a quiet whistle through her truffle-shaped nose.
I remembered then, as I so often do, that special moment when we had bonded during the performance of “Shadow” by Chromatics. Watching Twin Peaks: The Return with Nancy and Daisy years later was a very different experience than watching the original show. Where before there was pain, now there was joy. Where before I felt loss, now I experienced a deep connection with those around me.
Douglas Menagh received his MFA in Creative Writing from Antioch University in 2017. His creative nonfiction has been featured in Memoir Mixtapes, Drunk Monkeys, and Meow Meow Pow Pow. His writing about music has been featured in New Noise Magazine, Aquarium Drunkard, and Alt Press, among others. His website, www.douglasmenaghwrites.com, includes links to his published writing.
